Satire and Humor

GOP Debate Nicknames: The Best of the Bad

Almost a month after the second Republican presidential primary debate, people still talk about what went down at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. Hint: on never attacking Rand Paul’s looks, Donald Trump said “I never attacked him on his looks, and believe me, there’s a lot of subject matter there.” Hey, I can’t exactly say I disagree. People like to talk about Jeb Bush admitting he smoked marijuana, or Carly Fiorina smoking the competition in general, but my personal favorite question from that debate was “If you were president, what would your Secret Service code name be?” As great as that question was, the responses were even better. I’ve ranked them from worst to best.

  1. Scott Walker: “Harley” It’s a clean choice—one word, two syllables—reminiscent of high power and plenty of style. There’s just one problem. Walker is no longer in the running. Since Harley’s dreams will never become a reality, Walker’s name takes last place.

  2. Ted Cruz: “Cohiba” Because, get it, he’s from Cuba. Also, if I smoke a bunch of Cohibas in one sitting, can I get my voice to sound like his? WHAT IS YOUR SECRET TED? Even better, what he would select as his wife’s Secret Service name: “Angel”…because…you guessed it. She’s his

  3. Rand Paul: “Justice Never Sleeps” Paul gets points here for trying to be inspiring with this name, but I can’t help but imagine a scenario involving a tired president on Airforce One: “kssshhh. Justice Never Sleeps is…sleeping. Over. Kssshhh.”

  4. Mike Huckabee: “Duck Hunter” Not quite as inspiring as Rand Paul, but true to Huckabee’s passions nonetheless. Am I the only one, though, who foresees this name as the butt of many Elmer Fudd jokes?

  5. Jeb Bush: “Eveready” Following in the tradition of his older brother whose designated Secret Service code name was “Trailblazer,” Jeb chose a two-word-smashed-into-one name which he hopes will relay his “high energy.” Donald Trump high-fived him for it. It also might be a subtle allusion to his drink of choice in college, Everclear. After all, he’s already admitted to smoking marijuana. FEEL THE BURN, JEBBY!

  6. John Kasich: “Unit One” I commend Kasich for this name because it flows so well with “Unit One is on the move.” It gets 6th place because he threw in a cheesy wife reference too: “My wife would probably say I’m Unit Two.”

  7. Chris Christie: “True Heart” “Heart” isn’t exactly the first word I would associate with Chris Christie. He strikes me as more passionate (about policy) than compassionate. I’m sure the residents of Fort Lee would agree.

  8. Ben Carson: “One Nation” “There is no freedom without bravery.” A quote from one of Ben Carson’s many published works. The title of the book where you can find this quote is, incidentally, One Nation. Coincidence? I think not.

  9. Marco Rubio: “Gator” One word, fierce image, personally connected. What more can you ask for?

  10. Carly Fiorina: “Secretariat” A quick review: Secretariat was the racehorse who, against all odds, won the Triple Crown in 1973 and inspired the movie you’re probably envisioning in your head right now. I’m not sure Secretariat would have approved of his name being used by Fiorina for the benefit of her campaign…perhaps he’ll join Steven Tyler (or, well, his ghost or something will, seeing as he’s dead) ((RIP, kind horse)) as the latest celeb to sue a GOP candidate for unauthorized use of intellectual property

  11. Donald Trump: “Humble” I mean, come on. This name had to be either first or last. For the sake of comic relief, I stuck “Humble” at the top. Maybe some day Trump will actually live up to his name.

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