Satire and Humor

When Did God Die?

As we all know, the Constitution is the divinely ordained document that guides American leaders’ every action. Unfortunately, however, the divine being who wrote our constitution through the pens of the Founding Fathers inexplicably chose not to grant them eternal life. In their absence, we have been forced to turn to mortal men (and, recently, a few women) to interpret the words of our lord and savior James Madison. I am presently taking a course on the constitutional law of civil rights, so I have had the opportunity to immerse myself in the wisdom of these arbiters of America’s holy piece of hemp paper, and I made a startling discovery: somewhere in the course of American history, God died.

In Bradwell v. Illinois, a woman named Myra Bradwell had the gall to apply for a license to practice law. Within a concurrence by Justice Joseph P. Bradley (with whom Justices Swayne and Field joined), a passionate Presbyterian, we find God’s presence in the constitution. Bradley explains that in addition to the obvious place of women in the natural order of the world, divine law itself clarifies the issue. He says, “the constitution of the family organization, which is founded in the divine ordinance, as well as in the nature of things, indicates the domestic sphere as that which properly belongs to the domain and functions of womanhood.” Voila! Divine ordinance. God, the same God that once spoke through James Madison’s holy pen, has spoken again, and he says that “the paramount destiny and mission of women is to fulfill the noble and benign offices of wife and mother.” This is the law of the Creator. Women belong in the “domestic sphere,” and as the Constitution builds on Christian ideals (as many who oppose gay marriage would tell you), it incorporates that all-important divine law.

Why, then, are modern women choosing to disobey God’s express orders, as explained by His holy prophet Joseph Bradley? Again, we must turn to the Supreme Court for answers. In Reed v. Reed a separated husband and wife, Sally and Cecil Reed, were in disagreement over who should manage their deceased son’s estate. Idaho code, evidencing a clear understanding of divine law, made clear that in determining who should administer an estate, men should always be preferred to women. According to God’s chosen prophet Joseph Bradley, this should have been an open and shut case. Obviously the husband was the preferable choice. After all, administration of an estate does not fall within the “paramount destiny and mission of women.” And yet the Court disagreed. Chief Justice Burger, deranged liberal that he clearly was, managed to persuade all of the other eight justices that distinctions based on gender should no longer be part of America’s divinely ordained Constitution. And not one of the nine justices was immediately struck down by lightning!

How to reconcile this? Given God’s omniscient, omnipotent nature, we surely could not just “slip one by Him,” so what changed? There is only one explanation. Somewhere in the 98 years between Bradwell and Reed, God died. This seems drastic, I know, but how else to explain a divine being letting his mortal voices disobey His plan? There is simply no other explanation. May He rest in peace.

In loving memory of God, 9800 B.C. – 1971.

This article was written by A.J. Jeffries. Click here to see more of A.J.’s work.