Satire and Humor

Finals Freak Out

Finals are approaching (essentially-here-right-on-top-of-you-oh-God), so many of our readers are undoubtedly getting a bit nervous. That’s understandable! These things have a significant impact on your grade, and you shouldn’t think you’re the odd one out if you’re sitting at your desk in a cold sweat reevaluating your life choices and considering exit strategies. Don’t worry though, I’ve weathered the finals storms before, and I’m here to offer you some tried and true advice to get you through this terror.

• Finals are only like, most of your grade, which means if you have been slacking off in class all semester this is a great way to bump that baby up! Of course, if you’ve been doing your best all semester and your grade is hanging in the balance, this test could very easily be enough to throw you over the F line, so there’s that. But if you’ve got a solid B in the class you probably can’t fail yourself with the final, so you don’t really even need to study at all.

• Speaking of studying: you’ve totally got a study group, or you can at least Facebook message some people to make one, so even if you missed some notes in class it’s ok because your bros have your back. Be careful though, because if one of you gives notes or an opinion that is wrong, and does so convincingly, that person could easily make the entire group agree on information that is completely wrong. Oh well, right? Best to blindly accept everything that everyone says when studying with other people. They know what they’re doing.

• Some professors grade on a curve! Man is that so helpful. Hey did you know that on a real curve, not the ten point bump that your high school teachers gave everyone, but a real curve, there are a set number of A’s and B’s that can be distributed in the class? That’s right, your classmates are now your competition, not your friends. I’m not saying that using that thing about misleading information to sabotage your study group would help you, I’m only insinuating it.

• Ok, so maybe trash the study group idea. You’ve got all the energy drinks, coffee, and soda to keep yourself up to study on your own. Did you know that according to basically every study that has ever been produced by someone who has already passed their finals and gotten a degree, sleep deprivation results in lower grades? That’s right; staying up and cramming that psychology textbook down your throat won’t help, according to psychologists. But what do they know? They’ve forgotten what it’s like to be in the trenches. Throw some 8 Hour Energy in your coffee and get to it.

• Well, if nothing else, your trusty pint of ice cream is still in the mini fridge and that will make you feel better. Of course, it will also go straight to your hips, or worse, your arteries, but the momentary pleasure that you derive from shoveling sugar-packed and hyper-processed carbs down your throat is bound to make up for the freshman every-year fifteen that your family is going to comment on during winter break. Crack out that last pack of girl scout cookies and eat your feelings.

Are you panicking? Have I successfully induced a mild anxiety-driven asthma attack? Good. Now remember that these tests affect your life in such an infinitesimally small amount that you will most likely forget them within a calendar year. Drink water, eat protein, get sleep, and knock those babies outta the park. From all of us at Hilltopics, we wish you a merry finals season, and a happy holiday.

This article was written by Destiny Rose Murphy. Click here to see more of Destiny’s work.