Coming to Terms

I used to have trust issues.

Before, I would get to know someone. A couple of messages across a mosaic of dating apps, a few drinks after work, and then an off-handed comment that was just a little too off-putting. Maybe I mentioned that I dressed as Hermione for the midnight premiere of the last Harry Potter movie before admitting that “I’m actually a little bit of a nerd, haha.” With you, every little peek into my personality only draws you closer.

You show me everything that reminds you of me- a t-shirt for a show I watch, a lamp that would look nice in my apartment, a handbag I only mentioned in passing. With you, I know my days of novelty heart-shaped necklaces on anniversaries are over.

You know all my favorite restaurants, stores, and places to work out. Last Wednesday, I left the apartment for my spin class, same as I do every Wednesday. With you, it’s never an accusatory “Where are you off to?” but a “Traffic is heavy on the highway today. Drive safe,” with an abiding trust.

You’re the type to tell your friends about me, and your friends are the type to listen. They care what I have to say, and they care about our relationship. With you, I don’t feel like a bother when I crack a joke at boys night.

I could ask, “what was that song I said I liked last week?” and you would not only remember the song, but you’d have a playlist made of other songs I’d like just as much. With you, my long drives to my parents’ for the holidays are less quiet.

You pay attention to my friends. I’ll never forget the security I felt when we clicked through my blurry photos from last weekend. 

“Is that Rachel?” you would ask, and I’d nod.

“That’s Shaun, right?” you’d ask without a hint of jealousy. With you, I don’t have to justify who showed up and when and why.

You stuck with me through knowing all of my most intimate moments, my most foolish questions, and my private shames. When I came to you to ask how to take a frozen pizza out of the oven, you didn’t laugh. With you, I learned about the intricacies of home cooking that’s not really cooking.

Would I ever be so unfiltered in front of anyone else? After knowing you, I could never be loved by any human in the same way. I have never felt seen by anybody before you. Knowing you- being vulnerable with you- is like sleeping with the blinds open.

I used to have trust issues, but with you, I’m ready to commit.

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